Future fears

Things are about to get personal.

My nephew asked me a very good question a couple weeks ago. I was talking to him about Ollie ( my ex’s kid and someone he played with prior to us breaking up) and he turned and asked me if Ollie and my baby have the same daddy. Well I almost fell off my chair and shot a glance at my mom who also looked a little stunned… I can’t lie to the kid so I just asked him what he thought and his response was, I think so. I just said I think you’re right buddy. Geez that kid is one smart cookie! That brought up a lot of thoughts for the future that I know I’m going to have to face very soon.

Ollie and Abbie’s mom and I have talked about how to approach this with the kids and she has said we can tell them however and whenever I’m ready to share the news that they are getting a baby brother. On one hand I want to tell them and want to hear what they have to say but I also worry about the drama that may ensue from the baby daddy. I know (or at least think) he won’t be involved (I’m absolutely more then happy to enjoy this baby on my own) but I don’t want him to be involved in my life in any sort of way. This man just causes a heap load of stress on his other ex and I have managed to stay free and clear. I’ve done really well on my own and don’t need a second dose of his narcissistic ways and attitude. Co-parenting should be an equal thing without trying to one up on the other parent which is what he tends to do and as I’ve seen on both sides of the equation.  Toxic people just don’t do anything for me and it’s the last thing I need in my baby’s life or my life. I need a balanced, stable man if Im going to have anyone in my life and he just doesn’t make the cut. All the reasons I left him.

I do however worry about my son wondering why he doesn’t go and visit his dad like his brother and sister do. On one hand when he is old enough they may say they hate visiting which is the vibe I get from them now but there are no guarantees. I want my son to know and play with his brother and sister so these are all things I’ve been thinking about even though they are very  far future things.

People may wonder why I’m so detached from my ex and I’ve held back from sharing a lot of details until I was ready to share. After meeting with his other ex and sharing stories I’ve come to realize that I am not going to accept the feeling of shame on my part for falling into a spider web of lies from a very calculated person. You see I was a single girl for 6 years prior to him and walked into a relationship with someone who said he was looking for his special someone. He had all the right lines, the image of a great job as the GM of a company, beautiful home, attentive personality and two beautiful kids. In reality he had a job that had suspended him due to his verbally assaulting a customer, a house he was having trouble paying for, a controlling personality with a wicked temper and two beautiful kids that spent most of their time with their grandmother while in his care.

Now looking back I should have left on the first red flag but I’m not going to beat myself up for it anymore. I broke up with him in late December while being 4 weeks pregnant. Since February this man has been in 3 relationships, one of which he is in now with a 27 year old who has 5 kids with all different dads. He is jumping from one girl to the next and yes it makes me laugh but it makes me sick for the kids watching girl after girl come and go. I don’t want that for my son, he deserves a daddy that will show respect to women and he won’t have that from his biological father. Judging him on the facts, I don’t see change in the near future so I’d prefer to shield my son as much as I can. This is what I’m most afraid of… I’ve given my son a biological father whom I can honestly say I have a large distaste for (to put it mildly). One day I’m going to have to accept the fact that my son may want to go searching or get to know who his dad is and I will have to keep my thoughts to myself and let him make his own judgements. I honestly don’t want him to hate his own father… I just worry about the pain he might cause my son. I already feel like if someone hurts my son in anyway I will feel the need to literally take them out of this world with my own bare hands. Geez I sound aggressive but ohhhh it’s so true.

Baby daddy drama may be something I live with from now on and it’s something that may come in the far future or sooner but either way it’s unavoidable.

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2 thoughts on “Future fears

  1. Wow! Paxton is one smart kid! You have a lot on your plate! Personally, I like the idea of Baby Janes knowing his siblings and feel you should shield him from his toxic Dad. Yes, he may want to know him when he gets a bit older, but why put him through it while he’s developing and growing. Nurture him with the Janes family. Brandon and Randy will be there for you I am sure! Plus having Paxton and Levi so close, it will be one big happy family!

    Liked by 1 person

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