10 Months

Summertime with my babe had arrived and I’m loving it. Nice weather, beaches, parks and picnics is what fills our days now. We are getting plenty of fresh air and eating plenty of fresh fruit. Hunter and I have our first airplane ride together going down to Fresno to visit my cousin Katrina and her hubby right before I got I back to work. Two plane rides on the way down with a few hour layover… it should be interesting. I am hoping he will have whatever is bothering him right now taken care of because my little monkey has not been a happy guy these last couple of days. Either way I’m going to be stressed because anxiety and Sheena go together like peanut butter and jelly.

This month Hunter started walking using some guidance from his walker right around that time he started standing unassisted. It’s all happening so fast and I know the next two months are going to fly by. 2 months is all I have left to be home with my boy. Now it’s party planning time for his first birthday before I head off back to work.

Over on the other side of things hell has frozen over. Meaning that I have made contact with Hunters dad this past month. After my disassociation with Rae-lee and long nights thinking about my future and the future of my son i decided to make contact with him to ensure that what she had filled my head with was in fact not actually the case. She told me that I was crazy to think he wouldn’t come after Hunter and want a relationship with him. Now that could’ve been to scare me… which in the end worked. I made contact with him and we hashed out the past. We have talked a couple times now but I have come to the conclusion that he is not going to come after me. He is too wrapped up in his revolving door of multiple women coming in and out of his life. He last gf of about a year that had five kids ended up dumping him and leaving after what I’m sure was a horrible year of her life.

In talking with Larry it has done a few good things. Number one being I know he does  not want to come after time with Hunter, he still continually leaves his children with his mother to go on dates instead of scheduling them every other weekend without his children. He is emotionally unstable calling me multiple times saying he wants to end his life because his gf left him, whines to ME about money troubles, says horrible degrading things about Rae-lee and her parenting, and lies to the women he is trying to trick into having a relationships with him, all of which he was dumb enough to send me in text messages. Not once did he ask how hunter is doing, ask what he enjoys eating, what he likes to do, what his delivery was like, if he has any health issues… not one word.

My favourite thing about it tho is that I look at him with pity now. He is a narcissist that is so lost and wrapped up in his own mind and thinks that others look at him the same way he looks at himself. It was actually entertaining to maintain a line of communication to watch him bury himself in a web of lies I have now caught in text messages and emails and multiple speaker phone conversations and when brought to his attention he tries to have his step mom cover his tracks which I’ve already screen shot and saved as my proof of the lies he tells himself and everyone else. He’s in the thick of his custody case right now with Rae-lee and knows now that I have the power to absolutely destroy him.

This man has done so much damage to the people around him it’s absolutely astounding to me. The disregard for anyone’s feelings but his own and having absolutely no idea that people see through his lies shocks me. He is a well educated, six figure earning general manager of a successful company and yet doesn’t have the insight or emotional maturity to know  that people can see right through him. I feel sorry him.

Out of all of this I feel like I have come out on top. The what if’s I think weighed on me more than I wanted them to after being in contact with Rae-lee and now after speaking with the devil himself I know I can live in peace. I know I hold the power and he can live wondering when the knock at the door will come for all that back pay child support he “couldn’t afford to pay for anyways.” As he says. Yeah right a judge will absolutely agree with that when the time comes. *hard eye roll*

Right now I get this sweet, sensitive, feisty little man all to myself. My rules, my time, all my decisions. I get to be this guys mom and dad which means I get double the love ❤️

 

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9 months old

I CAN NOT BELIEVE IM WRITING A 9 MONTH ENTRY.

So many great firsts!

My first Mother’s Day my mom had done some prints of my pictures for me and framed them with a few other really cute picture projects.

Hunter tried his first whole strawberry and absolutely loved it after trying it a couple times. Now he demolishes them as soon as he gets it. Hunter also tried whole slices of mango and again it was a complete win. Avocado is another one he enjoys whole. And I was a mess worrying he would choke… I sat there watching with gritted teeth hoping for the best. I really had nothing to worry about, he sucked it till It softened and he scraped bits off with his only two teeth at the time.

My parents went on holiday and I was making a video to send them of hunter and in the video I’m telling him to say nana, even though he had never said it before. Well I’ll be damned…. he literally turned around and said nana right to my face and the camera. One of my favourite videos I wish I could share on here.

He isn’t crawling yet but he has pulled himself up to standing at his activity table. This kid is such a show off, he balanced just long enough to clap a few times before falling to his bum. But he tried it again the next day and he actually stood unassisted clapping before grabbed his table again for balance. Never before having a child did I think things like that would make me feel this type of pride.

*update*

currently it is May 29th and today he started crawling!! I have a baby on the go now… this should make things interesting.

Right now I’m running on fumes and coffee, he has started teething again and it’s been a little like hell trying to sleep at night. We still co sleep but right now it’s whatever works to get some sleep and believe me I will do anything. The saying is true, I wish I was as tired as I thought  I was before I had a child.

 

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7 Months Old

Hunter is 7 months old and really starting to get a personality that I adore. He makes the silliest faces when he babbles and his laugh makes my heart melt, he loves dinner time and I am starting to let him play with his food and get it in his own mouth. For Easter dinner he had turkey and mashed potatoes and loved playing in it and even managed to get some in his mouth.

2 weeks before reaching 7 months he had his first tooth pop through, it was the same morning he had vaccinations. I was so worried for the rest of the day but he ended up being fine. However things took a turn that night. I didn’t even get to sleep and He woke up screaming. when I grabbed him he was burning up with a temp over 100. His first fever and he was not a happy guy. He didn’t want to be held and would calm every ten mins or so and then he would start screaming and thrashing again. It was a very lonely night. It’s moments like those I’m reminded it’s just me myself and I and I just gotta wear my adult pants and deal.

These days Hunter is so much better in the car. Before you would strap him in his car seat and he would just scream. Now he is happy to get strapped in because that means he gets to go somewhere. This guy is just a happy go lucky baby when he is on the go. He had his first lunch date with nana and papa for fish and chips and he loved sitting in the restaurant looking around and enjoyed some halibut for the first time. And true to him he loved it.  I have really lucked out with a baby who has shown no signs of food rejection both with real food and baby food. And by all signs with this kids size and being in the 98th percentile I have a feeling he is going to be a big boy just like his donor dad who is well over 6 feet tall.

On a sad note there has been a bit of a situation with Rae Lee and Hunters siblings. They are unfortunately no longer in mine and Hunters life by choice. She continued to try and talk me into taking Hunters dad to court saying it would help her case against him coming up in August. She wanted me to serve him so bad that she said if I didn’t do it then Hunter and I had to leave her life, and since nothing for me had changed with me wanting to go through all of that I decided it was time to walk away. I’m sad for the kids and I’m sad that I spent a whole year being friends with someone who had intentions of using my son as a tool to win her custody case. She wants full custody of her kids and he was refusing to give it to her. I have full custody of my kid, I have nothing to gain from having that man enter my life and if that is the end of mine and RaeLees friendship then so be it. One day those kids will find one another and that’s how it needs to be for now. The way I look at it is that she obviously wasn’t my friend right from the beginning.

Life can sometimes bring you down if you let it. I was sad for a little while about the whole thing because my intentions were pure in that I just wanted Hunter to have his siblings in his life. I was willing to testify on her behalf in court about how he treats the kids as well as the women in his life but she was only interested in proving to the court that he has another child that he does not have custody of as well as not paying child support to show his true character. I’m all for showing he’s an asshole but what I’m not willing to do is involve my son and I told her that in our very first conversation. She then told me that the courts can pursue a DNA test just because she already mentioned Hunters name in the affidavit. I warned her if her lawyer does that I will have no choice but to help the other side. It was not kind on my part but I’m not someone who will back down from a fight especially with my son involved. If you try and use my son as a tool I will show just how big of a bitch I can be to protect my baby bear.

Now it’s just myself and my boy and I’ve grown to be ok with that. I don’t need her in my life to cause drama, I have way better things I could be doing then wasting my time with someone who has ill intentions for myself or my son. I say goodbye and I move on happily.

 

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Half way to a year old

It’s hard to believe I am now halfway through my maternity leave and my time home with my little guy. I get major anxiety just thinking about my return to the hell hole I call work. When Hunter was first born and I was struggling I remember thinking I’d take being at work over a screaming newborn any day (as awful as that sounds) and now that we are bonding and learning so well together I’m dreading the moment I have to leave him. When he is with my mom for an hour or two and I go to pick him up the smile I get upon my return is my absolute favourite smile. Thinking about 8 hours plus my commute is kind of heartbreaking. I’ll be missing so much of his day. I’m just soaking in the moments now and enjoying every second I can.

We’ve been swimming a number of times now and he absolutely loved it after the 3rd time. The first couple of times he just screamed the second his toe touched the water. We are going to start some water baby swimming lessons soon. I figure it’s a good outing for him and I and the timing of the class is perfect for his nap schedule. He always has the best sleep after 45 mins of some water play.

Hunters newest obsession is food. All kinds of food. He doesn’t have teeth yet but man that kid will gum up anything he is allowed to eat. He’s now tried. Apricot, mango, sweet potato, squash and so much more and hasn’t rejected any of it. The first time with avocado was the only funny reaction I got but he even likes that now. He loves to go in the big bath tub in his new seat since he has been sitting upright now and splash away. His nap times now are few and far between but when he does nap he is finally going to sleep without me rocking him which took about a month of training. Now he is starting to play shy with strangers and even sometimes with my brother. All my brother does is look at him and he will start to cry. We’re working on that next.

On another note I have reached out to the grandparents on his fathers side despite the risk of irritating his biological father. I figure as he gets older and asks the dreaded questions about why his dad isn’t interested in being his dad I had to know that the rest of the family on that side didn’t want anything to do with Hunter. At least I would be able to tell him one day that I tried and that he is not some secret I tried to keep from them. I emailed both Hunters grandparents who are divorced and let them know they do have a grandson and if they would like to be involved in his life and updates with pictures I’d be more than happy to have them involved. They really didn’t get a choice in the matter when I left their son and I know my parents would want a relationship with all of their grandkids no matter the situation.

I have not heard back from them directly but I did hear through the grapevine that his grandpa was in complete shock when he heard the news of his grandson. I sent him this picture because I mean there is no denying the resemblance:

25BE8027-738C-42C7-82EF-9A35FBA824B4Those ears and lips say it all. My kid is obviously way cuter 😂😂 but no denying he is a mini of his bio dad. Now I hear that there is not going to be a response because his bio dad has something in progress which I’ll believe when I see it. Please, the guy has 2 kids he is paying for, a live in gf that has a total of 5 kids and no job… so 7 kids to support and he is going to add another?? Not likely. He is pacifying his own dad so that his dad doesn’t think he’s a deadbeat. I’d be so disappointed in my son if he fathered a child but washed his hands of the situation. My son will be raised to value women and children and most of all family with no excuses. In my eyes it’s their loss on missing out on such a beautiful little guy growing up. And on the other side I don’t want to share him anyways.

My love for this kid has grown and blossomed into such a tight bond now that I couldn’t and don’t want to imagine my life without him. Hunter is the light of my life and everything I do now I do for him. Making him smile is my favourite job in the world!

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Motherhood – 5 Months In

5 months into motherhood and things are slowly starting to get better. Now I don’t know if you just get used to the sleep deprivation, the lack of me time, the lost shower time and downward spiral of your social life or if you just forget what’s it’s like before the little bundle of joy arrives but either way I’ll take improvement any way I can.

I had a glorious week of 6 hour stretch sleeps this month and even though it only lasted a week it gave me hope that eventually he may sleep through the night. I heard him cry and thought it was his usual wake up time only to look at the clock and realize that he slept from midnight to 6 am straight. I did a double take of my phone thinking I read the time wrong. I had an instant grin on my face and when we woke up for the day I did the happy dance for him which of course had him laughing.

Last night was a nightmare though. He was up every 15 mins after 1 am even though I tried everything I could to get him to go back to sleep he was not having it! You know when your just about sleeping, your body is relaxed your mind slipping away and then WAAAAAHHHH. It’s such a shitty jolting sound. Imagine it happening every 15 mins to a half hour from 1 am till close to 6 am. That was last night. I wanted to crawl into a hole in the ground and stay there with my head in the dirt just to get the hell away. Don’t get me wrong, I love my little man but it pushed every button I had in me. I’m convinced that’s why we love our kids so much… for moments like that when you’re just not a fan of your child. And yes I know there are many MANY more moments I’ll have like that for the rest of my life… and they only get worse when I think to how I was as a teenager. It makes me cringe thinking about that.

When sleep deprivation is all I have to complain about, I’m one lucky momma.

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4 Months

We are now in the considered golden baby age. When the baby’s digestive system has begun to settle and mature a bit, are a bit more independent, interactive, and stay in one spot when you put them down. And I can say that I’d have to agree to most of it. Since a week before Christmas I have seen a huge difference in his temperament and it’s for the good. Hunter was never great at being put down and now he has done well at tummy time, being in his bouncy chair, laying and playing on his mat, can use his hands to play and grab toys, laughs when I do stupid things, and loves his jolly jumper the most. He will bounce in there forever. It’s been very enjoyable bonding with him when he is so happy and settled. It’s a great change from his pain he had because of acid reflux.

He had his first Christmas this year. I had to wake him at 630 to get over to my brothers place where we all opened gifts together with all three boys. Of course the boys were spoiled and so was I with some very thoughtful gifts from my sister in law and mom. It was a Christmas for the memory books and I can only see them getting better and better.

Right now Hunter is teething which means lots of drool and chewing on everything and a tad cranky… but nothing compared to when his acid reflux was bothering him. He is growing all his hair back at a very fast pace and his eyes I think are staying the most beautiful shade of blue. Hunter is currently in 3-6 month clothing when it comes to his onsies without the footies and fits 6-9 in the footies with his long legs. Lucky guy gets shots on Monday so I’m hoping it’s not too terrible.

Sleeping is still horrible most nights but then every once in a while he sleeps and I wake up so happy. My favourite time with him is our morning cuddles. This kid wakes up every morning with a smile on his face and it honestly melts my heart every morning. I grab him and just bring him close and kiss him all over his face which usually makes him and I laugh out loud together. Those moments are just those sacred ones I’d never want to give up for the world.

He is starting solids, like baby cereal, carrots and butternut squash. He also tried some banana and cantaloupe in his mesh bags to help with his teething and he loves it all. Food in general tends to be something he enjoys all the time. Now the diapers after adding those things have been a real treat for mama lol.

My journey into motherhood has been a tough one with many ups and downs but I take one day at a time, enjoy the good moments and deal with the rough moments the best I can.

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